It Really IS All About The Love!

QuarrelIn the late Kate Wolf’s song, Give Yourself To Love, there’s a line that goes, “Love won’t give you everything, but it’ll give you what you need.” When you read that line, what comes up for you inside? At the wedding I wrote about in the Getting Personal section above, I thought and felt a LOT about that line, not just personally, but from a professional standpoint. How true that sentiment could really be for you is a question that gains even more significance if you’re finding that you and your Partner (or anyone with whom you’re in relationship) are at odds more than in sync with each other.

Love won’t necessarily give you “The Answer” or “The Cure/Fix” for whatever strains are happening in your relationship; but, without love, it gets VERY difficult to get to any lasting, effective resolution or transformation of an issue. When you’re in conflict with your loved one, most of the time…when you really go down in yourself to get to the bottom of it…you’re likely to find that the real culprit isn’t the “Content” of your upset (like, “You burned my shirt when you ironed it”). The real solution’s going to come when you get to what the circumstance is bringing up for you in the arenas of fear and/or shame.

QuarrelOne common problem with that notion, however, is that when you’re caught in fear and/or shame (and haven’t yet figured that out), you’re not usually behaving(or communicating) in a loving way. This, more often than not, sets things on a path towards escalating tension and upset, followed by a self-preserving (or so it will seem) disconnection from the other person. I once heard someone say, “I can’t be loving to my wife when she’s hurt me or pissed me off…not until she’s apologized or we’ve gotten past it.” Here’s a perfect case where love won’t solve the underlying issue, but being loving would increase the chance of re-connecting with his partner enough (even with the unresolved tension in the background) to have a safer ground to work out the true underlying issue.

It’s gotten to be kind of a New Age cliche that we’re always either in love or fear. Cliches get to be cliches because there’s truth in them. Neuroscience has strongly indicated, however, that it’s damn near impossible for the brain to “process” fear and love at the exact same time. It IS hard to tap into loving feelings for someone when you’re feeling that they’ve hurt you, attacked you, or abandoned you in some way. However, if you keep looking for the easy, convenient solution to your relationship issues, you’re going to continually be treading the same water more often than not, continuing to repetitively get the same kinds of results and situations.

Extraordinary relationships come from taking extraordinary actions and being willing to go beyond what you think you know and what you believe is the only way to work a problem. Ideally, you’re in your relationship(s) because your heart drives you there. Your mind, and your Ego, don’t usually have that as much of an agenda. So, in the relationships that matter, you’ve really got to try to remember that you’re in them because you love and enjoy the person. While a lot of couples believe that conflict – particularly frequent conflict – is a bad thing, conflict provides an opportunity for each of you to practice re-claiming the real prize always available in the relationship in the first place: feeling connected and wanting more.

QuarrelSo, if you’re wanting to take your relationship to a level that’s far from common, use every time of feeling at odds with your partner not as an automatic assumption or “go-to” that the relationship is in trouble; instead, see what happens if you use it as an opportunity to discover what pocket of love is available to be re-claimed and re-felt. From there, you’re more likely to be able to hear each other differently and transcend the usual pettiness that lies at the heart of a lot of squabbles, and use the conflict to bring you closer to each other. Is it easy? Not often. Does that mean you shouldn’t go for it? Absolutely not…if what you are really committed to is loving connection and intimacy.

When you find yourself having trouble doing this, or your partner is, try saying “Let’s talk to each other like we love each other.” That could bring an auto-pause to the reactivity and allow each of you to come back to the Real You, which then creates the possibility that you could start listening not from your fear, but from your heart…it will make a world of difference.

I would really love to hear what you think and feel about this topic. If you would be willing to share, and would want it to be anonymous, please email me at info@geofflaughton.com. If you’re willing to have your experiences be of more immediate use and support for others trying to figure all this stuff out too, I invite you to post a comment or a note, to my Living Your Spirit Now Facebook Fan Page.