“You teach what you most need to learn.”
That old chestnut has been a perennial mantra that has often come back around into my consciousness. For the last 14 years, I have been working with people in healing their wounds…emotional wounds, psychic wounds, and sometimes even Spiritual wounds. I have done this on a one-on-one basis, as well as having led hundreds of workshops that have assisted people in reaching new levels of peace and healing with the particular wounds sustained in growing up with their families of origin. When I got into that field – after spending 16 years in a corporate career that I wasn’t even seeing was zapping me of any vitality, connection to Spirit (mine or the Divine), and connection to all that was wonderful in my life – I felt that I was doing it to fulfill on what was then a newly re-discovered and reclaimed sense of what my friend David Rubine refers to as Soul Purpose. I got exhilarated by the thrill and joy of really being able to help people begin and/or deepen the kind of transformational journey back to the full expression of their Spirit that I had so dramatically started undergoing in the early 90’s. Back then, for me, it was all about being captivated by and passionately engaged with the rush that comes with truly being in the groove of what you’re meant to do.
Recently, however, I have come to truly & viscerally see that there is perhaps an even larger reason why I made that career and life transition all those years ago. It’s a reason that is now coming home to roost in all my emotional fibers, that I hadn’t really seen or given true holistic credence to. While it is extremely rewarding to see that my work with people makes a tremendous difference, I’ve now come to see that the difference that has really needed to be made, as much as with others, is with myself. In particular, I am getting a whole new view of the difference that needs to be made in my relationship with shame.
For all the work I’ve done with others in recognizing, honoring, feeling, and shifting their deepest shames and shadows, I’ve come to see that there are far more layers of my own that are wanting to be given oxygen and light, so that those layers become a rich, golden part of the fabric of the gifts I have to offer people, as a teacher, a coach, and as a human being. These are layers of my self that I didn’t realize I was still carrying great judgement with…that I was wanting to sweep under some rug, so that I could feel I had evolved beyond them and needn’t be bothered with or by them any further. I hadn’t seen it so clearly as I have in recent weeks. I had really deluded myself into thinking that there were layers I was complete with that it turns out aren’t complete with me. These layers I refer to are layers of shame that I have stuffed, compartmentalized, camouflaged, and denied. Like most people, the shame with which I now get to fall more deeply in love with is the shame that I’ve come to believe is all about me…who I am, who I’m not, who I don’t feel I could really be, etc.
Now, why am I sharing all this with all of you that may be reading this post? Why am I bringing into the public eye the kind of observations and truths that usually aren’t mentioned in polite company? Those were the first two thoughts that came to me when I got inspired this morning – by two dear friends of mine – to start what I believe is going to be a book. This is probably the book that I’ve resisted writing for at least 25 years, since I was first told in an astrological reading that I would write a book one day. I used to say to myself that I was resisting because I didn’t know what to write about…others have already written any kind of book I might write…there’s nothing about me or my story that would be of any interest to others that hadn’t already been on a talk show, radio show, or on Oprah.
This is a bit odd, given the kinds of things that have happened to me in my life, and given a lot of my accomplishments, that belie the shadow myths in my mind that have held those kinds of statements, feelings, and beliefs firmly in place. Nevertheless, what I’ve been resisting, that the book merely forces me to truly open up to, is my particular journey with shame, with my own childhood wounding (at a new level), and what it may have to teach others who have been/are experiencing anything similar that keeps them locked into an egoic box that feels insurmountable; particularly insurmountable in the face of obvious evidence to the contrary. And, I’m clear that this exploration must be out in the open, otherwise the shame’s hold keeps its hegemony.
Consequently, I’m going to follow my intuition and inspiration to share my story; in particular, to share how my walk with shame is the very source of that which makes me good at what I do, that makes me the kind of teacher and guide that I have become for so many, and the possible gift to others that may assist their walks being clearer, more balanced, and perhaps less traumatic. I am sharing this with you all to be able to learn to love what I’m ashamed of, even as I intend its hold to transform and transmute into greater love and greater gift-giving. I am going to do something which is, in many ways, radical for me. I am going to forego my tendency, as much as possible, to have to have it all be perfect, to have it all be ok with all of you out there, to have it be strictly some kind of PR piece. I’m going to just tell it like I see it, and bring all my heart and truth to it. How will that look?
I am going to post pieces every two days, and see where it takes me. I am clear the telling will guide the pathway and direction. I strongly invite you who are reading this and may be willing to read future installments, to comment on the postings. To use the comments box to share how any of what I’m sharing may mirror your own thoughts, beliefs, and feelings…or not. Please use my story, my process here, to take you wherever it could towards seeing your own stories and wounds – particularly those you hide from others and/or yourself – as an integral part of your own Divinity and Brilliance.
I welcome you in joining me to see how this all unfolds…off we go….
