What COULD The Holidays Mean?

In the last few days before Thanksgiving, I’ve been working with some couples and families who are heading into “The Holidays” not with joy and anticipation, but feeling the impact of family division and in high conflict, as well as some who have decided to split up/divorce…not the place that you want to be at ANY time, but certainly not the place you hope to be (or have your kids be) going into this time of year.  In addition, I uncovered some sad, and somewhat shocking, information about what’s happening with relationships “out there,” not just in my sphere of influence.
In the U.S., according to one study, roughly 88% of singles will eventually marry, but only 28% will end up living “happily ever after” (whatever that means, and by whose definitions of that term).  The divorce rate for first-time marrieds is over 70%.  If that wasn’t bad enough, the holiday period of Christmas & New Year’s is second only to Valentine’s Day in the incidences of divorce filings.  It’s been long known that December is also a month where depression and even suicide reaches higher levels than at any time of year.  It’s not exactly “Miracle on 42nd Street” or “It’s A Wonderful Life” is it?
Now, I’m not trying to be a buzz kill by any means.  I am, however, writing this to sound a note of sobriety.  My belief is that a lot of what could make your Holidays, and those of so many others, such a potential source of higher stress, less happiness, and greater levels of disconnection hinges on what they mean to your heart (rather than your checkbook), how clear you and your Partner are on what really matters to the two of you during this time, and the level of unity that you both have in your relationship in general.  If you’ve not really checked in with each other on that last piece in awhile, the Holidays are likely to illuminate what you’ve not been seeing and/or owning with each other.
What I remember so vividly from my misspent youth about the Holidays were that they were a time of enormous mixed messages and feelings.  I was raised in a single-parent household where my Mom often struggled with depression and spotty employment. Money was usually tight year-round, but the Holidays seemed to be a time where my sister and I wanted what we saw on TV, but had a reality that was never shown on TV or in movies.  There were lots of families that seemed to have the Hallmark picture of Christmas, but mine and many others didn’t.  It was a time when there were very different ideas of how to “handle” the holidays (particularly gifts) between my Mom and my Grandmother that created some very unhappy and confusing (for us kids) fighting.
When I grew up (yes, there are some who would say I did) and got into relationships, the Holidays then gained a whole NEW wrinkle, which centered around how to navigate the perpetual demands of each person’s family’s traditions around the Holidays.  Who would go to which family’s Thanksgiving dinner and then do you switch off to the other’s for Xmas?  When I had children, then there was the whole issue of spending the Holiday with Sarah’s family, my family, or having our own family tradition that we invited our families to come join us for (never mind how you work in your siblings and their families, too)! Now that our kids are grown, it gets even more complicated. Oy!
You probably never got a handbook in High School telling you how to maneuver around all that, did you?
The Holidays are also a time where it’s pretty commonplace to reflect back on the year that you’re wrapping up and begin to form a vision for the one lying ahead.  This year, for so many people, has been extremely challenging on a number of levels.  So, for some of you, looking back may seem akin to having each hair on your head plucked out one at a time (or at least as appealing).  For others of you, looking ahead may not seem like much better of a prospect (and for those who do both with great joy and gratitude, you are truly blessed and wise to be seeing that side of things). Yet, it’s my experience that doing that looking is crucial to having what you want in your future…particularly looking at what didn’t work out the way you’d hoped.
Now, before you go reaching for a drink after reading all that, this piece today is to call out a different possibility for this year’s Holiday.  It does NOT have to be what you don’t want, or dread, it to be.  In fact, I’ve come to see that a lot of what can really make this time of year so damn difficult for you is if you take it for granted that all the past Holidays you’ve had are an automatic indicator of future results.  As cliched as it may seem, the Holidays really can be what you want them to be.  The emphasis though has to be “What you want them to be,” with the corollary added that says, “…and what you decide they’ll be like.”
One of the keys for all this is to pay the most attention to is what you and your Partner really want to be feeling, what you want to be doing, and how you each (and collectively) want to BE during this time…and, then, make the decisions that empower all that, in partnership.  It’s that simple, and yet can be very difficult to pull off.  Why? Because you’ve been conditioned for years to have it be about everyone else (this may not be a far-off-the-mark issue year-round for some of you). What will cause the least hassle or upset “in the family” (usually your and your partner’s family-of-origin) often unconsciously (and consciously) sets the agenda and tone for the Holidays.  I’m not advising that you turn into narcissistic anarchists, but I am suggesting that – as a starting place, at the very least – keying off of what you and your partner really want, as opposed to a conditioned sense of “This is what we have to (or should) do” is a darn fine start.

While I know tradition seems to be highly valued in our culture, they also can keep you (and your Holiday choices) rooted in a past that’s incongruent with where and how the current you want to be.  So, I invite you to try this first step out, and see if it opens up a renewed sense of potentiality that gets you and your Partner excited about, rather than dreading, what’s coming up.

Another key way to change the Holiday game, as it were, is to actually go into the Holidays with the guiding perspective being, “How can I make my relationship with my Partner not only the best Christmas present to both of us that I could get (not buy), but have the Holidays be the best gift for It?”  If you’re interested in exploring THAT one, then you’ll want to consider the online class I’ll be teaching December 6th, 13th, and 15th that will help you do just that.  To find out more, I invite you to read about the complimentary call I’ll be doing this coming Thursday to share more about what I’ll be teaching and what it could do for your marriage/relationship below in the “What’s Geoff Up To Next” section.