Why Me?!

I want you to imagine something. Imagine that you’re a solid, upstanding citizen of your Country. You decide to enlist in the Armed Forces, and end up serving for 18 years, faithfully, bravely, and with repeated valor. Then, just before you’re due to retire, you get captured behind enemy lines on what’s to be your final combat mission. Your comrades captured with you are killed. You are thrown into a jail cell that’s 6 by 8 meters…with 48 other people.

The cell has a toilet consisting of a hole in the floor into which all 49 occupants are doing their do, with no one ever cleaning it out but once a month. To add insult to injury, you also don’t get to bathe but for 2-3 minutes a month (because your jailers only let there be running water for 2 hours per month. Each day, on top of all that, you and all your fellow cell mates are beaten with clubs. Not just once in awhile, but daily. Then, as about 90% of the occupants of the prison are dying, you get cancer…in fact, you’re told you have terminal cancer. If you really were to imagine yourself living that life, how horrific does that feel? How long do you think you could tolerate such a life?

Reon Schutte (shown above) lived that life for 12 years & 8 months. While still health-challenged, Reon has spent the last 7 years since he was released from Chikarubi Prison in Zimbabwe (I forgot to mention that he was the sole white prisoner in his “cell”) going around the world speaking about his story, and how he managed to survive living and sanitary conditions that literally killed so many people, not to mention the emotional/trauma aspect of things.

The biggest thing I heard Reon really attribute his survival to was by using his anger and his recurring question of “Why me?” to guide him into where he could find any freedom at all in the situation. Where he found freedom was in realizing (or remembering) that the one freedom his captors couldn’t take from him was his power to choose how he was going to respond to his circumstances.

Sounds easy, right? “Just make a choice!”…no big deal, huh? Well, of course it is. Reon doesn’t say it was easy. However, when his life depended on it, it was the wisest and most imperative choice. As he has spoken to over 1.5 million people around the world about his story, he has laid out 10 life-changing principles of how we can use our power of choice that he continues to use to keep himself fully enlivened and empowered as a person and teacher. Here they are:

  • Forgiveness is setting yourself free
  • Be a victor, not a victim
  • Failure only exists when YOU choose to give up
  • Accepting circumstances allows for change
  • Only you choose how you will respond to your circumstances
  • Lead by example
  • Serve others
  • There is no “There”
  • Don’t ask, “Why?”; ask, “What for?”
  • The Power of Choice Resides in Each of Us

Multiple books could be written (and have been) on any one of these. Reon’s book about his ordeal is coming out next month, in fact. What I want to ask you to really ponder on is how much you’re living these principles – particularly in your romantic relationships. In particular, I invite you to really focus on the piece about “Instead of asking ‘Why Me?’, what happens of you ask ‘What for?'”

With every couple I’ve ever worked with, in one form or another, the issues causing upset, distress, and disconnection always have some thread of that “Why me?”, even if it’s in the form of “Why NOT me?” It’s not that you don’t deserve to want what you’d like…but, would it be wise to also look at the “What for?” of what you’re wanting from your relationship and your partner? What really gets served if you get what you want, when you want it, how you want it? It’s not mine to judge, but I suggest it’s a damn good question to ask yourself – particularly before you decide you’re going to bail on something that could be priceless, just for the learning alone.

However you slice it, if you were to do what Reon did in his horrible nightmare, and look at what the serving purpose could be of any adversity you’re facing – no matter how severe or mundane – what happens to you? You can’t know until you consciously decide (oh, shoot…there’s that choice thing again!) to practice it. And, make no mistake about it…this orientation requires practice, unless you’ve been living that way all your life.

If you’re feeling persecuted in any way in your relationship, see what you can learn if you take a look at not only how you’re creating it, but towards what higher end? What is the purpose for you having any distress at all? To allow your ego have something to do to continue it’s one-way march to its desired grandiosity and omnipotence? Or, could it be to allow you the opportunity to see how your ego is working and controlling you, and make a conscious choice to see how your circumstances are giving you a chance to re-acquaint yourself with the power and direction your Spirit would give you (and your relationship) if you would only pay attention to your Ego’s shenanigans. Is it time to make the choice to stop allowing your ego, and your inner victim, to run ragged over you, your life, and your loved ones? If not now, when do you think you’re going to be ready?