I’ve spent the last 13 years of my life helping people heal their Inner Children, thus allowing them to live the adult life they’re really meant to live in a way that brings as much joy, passion, and inspired living as possible. In the course of doing this for so many years, I’ve heard stories about mothers and fathers that, after first making your hair curl, would give you serious pause about whether or not you’d ever want to be a parent.
Yet, with even the worst of stories I’ve heard, I’ve always held to the certainty that very few parents ever woke up each day wondering how they were going to be able to torment and scar their children for life on that particular day. Nevertheless, when your Mom and/or Dad aren’t giving yo what you need, or being the kind of parent you’d hope for, it’s easy – particularly when you’re a kid or teen-ager – to throw the parent out with the bathwater.
Mother’s Day is always a day where I do my best to re-look at all the value that my parents had, even in the midst of the many things I can see now, at 52 and as a parent myself, were major blow-it’s.
On this Mother’s Day, I’ve been thinking about how one of the most critical roles that mothers play in their children’s lives is to be the wise sage that recognizes, even at a very young age, the true character and potential in their children…and makes damn sure that their kids get that reflected back to them in such a relentless way that there can be little to no doubt in the child’s mind of who they are and what they’re capable of.
In thinking today of my mother, Victoria Laughton Carder, with whom I had a very challenging relationship, I got deeply in touch with how well and how often – in spite of whatever other shortcomings or mistakes that were hard for me to be with – she attempted to show me the potential and true quality of person that I was as a boy and now.
Of course, it was very confusing and wounding to have the paradox of praise and reflection often contradicted by shaming and judgment that could be part of her stock and trade. But, over the 50 years I got to spend with my Mom, I can see now how much she really saw my uniqueness and tried to reinforce it more often than not.
In the midst of so much pain and difficulty I went through growing up, there were moments of loving connection with her, especially at times when she would praise me or hold me to a higher-than-mediocre standard, that were simply sublime. It is in remembering those moments that I not only get humbled by the sheer, stark magnitude of how much of a no-win job it is to be a Mom (or a parent, for that matter), in so many ways, but it’s still one of the most important games in town that deserves the recognition and gratitude that Mother’s Day attempts to encourage.
I’d even be bold enough to say (and am) that even the worst of mothers nevertheless gave a gift without which we could neither triumph or be able to complain about how short of the mark we may feel they fell in being the mother of our dreams.
I found two pictures of my Mom today that I had never seen before. I’d already been feeling the low-aching sadness of her no longer being here to be able to call today, and ran across the two pictures you see on this posting, and was so moved to see that what I’ve taught to so many others was, indeed, true for me too…that, for all her shortcomings, I could not continue to really hold on to my hurt ego’s long-held assumption that maybe she didn’t really love me. I know there are mothers out there who feel nothing for their children, but I contend they are the exception rather than the rule.
I invite you to look at the picture of my mother and I and see if you remember moments like that, at any age they may have occurred (including in your adult life), and if you can…give thanks for how those moments – even if rarely remembered – served to help you know what you need to remember today to continue living your greatest potential: you were (and are) loved, and perhaps your Mom, with all her imperfections, deserves the same…including, but not excusing, any of the faults or mis-behaviors.
In that Spirit, I honor and deeply love my late Mother Vicki…for all the times she drove me crazy, I’d take just about all of them if I could hold her in my arms, look her in the eye, and simply tell her how much I love her and appreciate all the good stuff. If your Mother’s still here, consider not losing the opportunity if you haven’t yet taken it today or many other days.
