Do you feel your relationship is sufficient? Do you even have a sense of what that would mean, look like, or feel like? If you’re not feeling happy in your relationship, what do you feel is missing? How do you want your partner to change to be able to feel more like you have the relationship of your dreams? Has your relationship gotten to the point where it feels like it’s “good,” or “going well” because it doesn’t suck as much as usual?
You may be thinking I’m being flip, but I’m not…I’m dead serious. You might be shocked (or not) to really know how many couples I know and/or work with where that state of defining and measuring “good” as a “doesn’t-suck”-reality is the yardstick one or both partners is going by to determine whether they’re happy in their romantic partnership. When pressed as to why it isn’t better than that, one of the most common answers is along the lines of “my wife/husband/partner just isn’t as {sexy, fun, vibrant, loving, caring about me over themselves….fill in the blank} they used to be.” If you’re feeling that way, it’s probably feeling like your relationship or marriage just isn’t sufficient.
A pretty big factor in this happening can be how you define “sufficient” and how your partner does or doesn’t. If you’re like a lot of people, you determine sufficiency by how much love, touch, help around the house, sex, help with the kids, etc. that you’re getting…or not. Now, none of those are bad, but are those really the truth about how “good,” or sufficient, your relationship is?
Author Lynn Twist, in her book The Soul Of Money, speaks about sufficiency like this:
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Sufficiency doesn’t mean a quantity of anything…it isn’t two steps up from poverty or one step short of abundance…it isn’t an amount at all. It is an experience, a context we generate, a declaration, a knowing that there is enough, and that WE are enough. Sufficiency resides inside of each of us, and we can call it forward. It is a consciousness, an attention, an intentional choosing of the way we think about our circumstances.”
This principle isn’t just about money. If you have found yourself thinking and/or saying any of the “things” you want more of that are in the list a few paragraphs above about your partner and/or your relationship, you’ve more than likely fallen into one of three very crippling beliefs that can kill off a healthy relationship dead in its tracks without you even realizing it’s happening until, perhaps, it’s too late:
- There’s not enough;
- More is better; and/or
- That’s just the way it is.
While applying this sufficiency concept to your relationship to money (which DOES have an impact on your primary relationship) is incredibly helpful, take a strong, honest look at how much you’re applying those three variables that almost always lead to chronic feelings of insufficiency about pretty much everything!
Look at how often you’re dancing with and around those three beliefs in your life and your primary relationship. How often are you finding yourself getting some loving from your partner, but can’t help thinking “But, it would’ve sure been nice if you’d done this last week, instead of waiting!” or “What took him/her so long?” After you’ve been with your partner for awhile, the lust-filled honeymoon period has passed, and now – having to learn to live with the mundane, and perhaps annoying aspects, of how your partner really does stuff and handles things…you’re frequently thinking “My spouse is terrific, but I‘d be a WHOLE lot happier if I were just with someone who had more [fill in the blank].“
The third belief of “That’s Just The Way It Is” is usually the most destructive. It’s a natural extension of the first two beliefs, but it’s the one that – if you’re thinking it about most things in your relationship – is the indicator that you better start doing something about what isn’t working for you, or you’re going to keep marching towards greater levels of deeper resignation and more resentments that always lead to sexual and emotional disconnection…and, often, the demise of a relationship or, even worse, two people staying for years in one that’s killing their Spirits.
If you’re reading this, and any of what’s being said here is making you feel really uncomfortable, or saying (in a millisecond) to yourself, “That’s not me, thank God!”…it would be wise to just double-check. It really may NOT be you…if it isn’t, you’re on the right track, and are – in my experience – unfortunately in the minority. But, if you see yourself, and/or your partner, living any of these beliefs, it’s very possible it’s not too late to turn it around.
To do that, start with one simple step. Begin looking at how much you’re relating to and conducting your part of your relationship from a perspective of “It’s a you-or-me world, rather than from a you-and-me world view of things. As Lynne Twist says, “Can we recognize that better comes from not more, but in deepening our experience of what’s already there? Can we redefine growth to see it as a recognition of and appreciation for what we already have? Recognize that Enough is a place you arrive at and dwell in.”
Before you start fantasizing on trading in your partner for a better, bigger, or “easier” model, check in with yourself on how much you’re recognizing and appreciating yourself and see if perhaps, within your relationship with you, you already have enough to truly be and feel sufficient, if you would just at least question and challenge those three beliefs of insufficiency. If you get a “No,” then the shift starts with you working on that relationship first…and, consider including your partner in the process! And, it’s important to recognize that that process will happen much more effectively if you reach out for support…after all, if you (and your partner) knew how to do it yourself, don’t you think you would have already done it?
If you’re seeing that your relationship is ready for the major breakthroughs you want with your partner & haven’t achieved with others you’ve turned to for help, click here to take advantage of a complimentary 40-minute Love & Relationship Breakthrough Session with Geoff.
I would really love to hear what you think and feel about this topic. If you would be willing to share, and would want it to be anonymous, please email me at info@geofflaughton.com.
