Do you ever notice how much time you spend trying to “figure out what’s going on” in your life…and in your relationship, if you’re in one? If it ends up being a fair amount of time, how’s it working for you? When you do get some “answers,” what’s the most common result you get from having obtained that answer? Furthermore, where do those “answers” most frequently come from for you?…others?….your mind?….your heart?….or, from your intuition?
Perhaps the most important question is, once you figure out what’s going on, what are you actually doing about it? How often are you actually making some kind of change that makes a lasting difference in your relationship and/or your life? This gets so tricky, because we believe what our minds tell us…we actually often think it’s The Truth. For generations, we have been conditioned to believe that the sure-fire way to “success” is to strategize, plan, and think our way into our destiny. Surely, if you can figure that out, you’ll know how to “do” your life, right?
Yet, for all of that mental gymnastics that occupy you day-to-day, how much is really changing in your life, your relationship, and your family (if you have one)? How long have you been suffering with some issue that – in spite of how much cerebral elbow grease you’ve put into trying to sort it out and “fix it” – you end up spending months or years tolerating in a masterfully inertia-ridden way? In my experience with SO many couples, the answer to that question is almost always “too damn long.” It seems to be a human condition or dilemma that causes and/or perpetuates so much suffering, confusion, and inertia…particularly to the degree you’re fanatical about preserving your control of how you think your relationship is supposed to go, distinct from where it wants or even needs to go.
Where does your relationship want or need to go? Hell if I know! However, if you have the same response to that question, and really want clarity about it…and want that clarity because you actually want your relationship to look and feel differently…you better be taking a hard look. Notice I didn’t say “figure it out.” I’m saying you need to take a deep, comprehensive look at that question if things aren’t going the way you perceive you want them to be going with your partner on a consistent basis. While that big piece of tofu in between your ears (thank you Dr. Rick Hanson) needs to play a part in that process, I’m going to suggest that if you let it be the sole source of your seeming answers, you’re hosed.
So, you may be thinking right about now, you’re reading a lot of questions with no answers yet, or how to get there, right (damn, another question)? Maybe you want the map? Well, there are several different paths to taking that hard look, getting the clarity you need, and beginning to shift what’s actually happening in a way that your life starts shifting on a regular basis. Hell, I even know a few of ’em. But, I’m not going to give you any (at least directly) today. Why? Because, chances are currently too high that you won’t do anything with them, even if I were to write them up right now.
It’s astonishing how many people tell me, “I don’t need any help with my life/relationship, particularly from someone else…I’m reading some books and figuring it out.” Yet, even as they say that, if prodded as to how long they’ve been doing that, they often hem and haw before admitting that it may have been years, and that not much has been changing. It’s incredible how easy it is for you to forget Einstein’s definition of insanity: “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.” How insane are you and your partner being, not only with your relationship, but with your life?
You have to start being honest with yourself (if you want anything different, that is) about why you’re not doing anything about what doesn’t seem to be working. You’re going to have to start facing the truth that if you keep putting up with what you don’t want, there’s something going on in your mind for which the misery is seeming to actually work for that belief structure. If you can really allow yourself to get the truth of that, then you can begin the trip out of that loop, towards what you really want. To do that, you’ll need a map.
Now, no map is worth a damn unless you have some idea of where you’re trying to go. To figure that out without first acknowledging where you are (the origin point, as it were), is ludicrous. Yet, even before that, you have to make the decision that you not only want to take the trip, but are committed to it no matter what…and will do whatever it takes to get there. If you’re not getting the changes you think you want in your life, it’s a sign that you need to stop thinking…at least for a bit. Instead, you need to start feeling into yourself, and begin seeing what your heart and your Spirit are telling you is wanted and needed for a change. My suggestion is that you start that process with really going to your gut to ask “Why am I willing to suffer for so long?” Keep asking it…don’t trust the first answer; particularly if it’s along the lines of “Because I keep hoping my partner will change.” Your partner has NOTHING to do with it. It has EVERYTHING to do with you.
If you can embrace that reality, then the answers to what’s helping you tolerate so much likely unnecessary suffering in your relationship will start surfacing. Furthermore, don’t forget for a moment that, if you’re suffering, so is your partner…it’s just going to be a matter of whether they’re awake to it or not. If they aren’t, they need to be doing the same process with themselves. For many, doing that is going to be resisted like a mother…your mind does not want you looking at this. But, what does your heart want? Why did you get in the relationship in the first place? If you can remember and reconnect with that, then this inquiry I’m suggesting is critical. From there, you then have to decide if you’re really willing to do something about it. All of that inquiry needs to start in your heart and your gut, I suggest. Your mind has a totally different agenda, and you don’t really feel love and joy in your head.
You also probably won’t know off the bat what to do about it (which is where people like me can come into the picture), but without that committed decision to do something, you’re going to be ensuring that your life and relationship keeps heading towards becoming a testament to the expression “Same S**t, Different Day” that most relationships are unfortunately – and needlessly – settling into.
Don’t you deserve better than that?
